Carlisle Meets Commercials
by CrimsonElevenDelightPetrichor
Summary: Carlisle meets people, animals and items from various commercials. And Esme doesn't believe him.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I decided I wanted to start a weirdly random series where Carlisle meets different commercials and nobody else can see them so he looks crazy. So, yeah.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or Free Credit Report dot com  
**

**Free Credit Report Dot Com**

It was a normal day in the Cullen household. Except...

_They say a man should always dress for the job he wants._

There was a singing pirate in the living room.

_So why'm I dressed up like a pirate in this restaurant?_

"NO!" Carlisle shouted. He had seen this singing pirate many times. "Pirate, if this is some kind of sign that someone stole my identity, could you just say so?"

That's what he said every day. But the pirate only ever answered with:

_It's all because some hacker stole my identity._

_Now I'm in here every evenin' servin' chowder and iced tea._

"Pirate, I have a good job! I highly doubt I'll end up dressed up like a pirate serving food to tourists."

"Oh, alright then." The pirate said. It was the first thing he said that wasn't that stupid song. All of a sudden, he was wearing an elf costume.

_I was gettin' depressed 'cause of all the stress I was feelin' at home._

_"_Alright, go away you weird singing thing!" Carlisle shouted.

"I can't leave until you go to free credit report dot com!" The guy said.

_Had a poor credit score and the number would haunt me wherever I'd go._

"But I have great credit!"

_Thought I'd move to a place where my credit could stink and nobody would care._

"My credit doesn't stink!"

_I just wish that somebody had told me that place was a renaissance__ fair._

Carlisle sighed. 'Hm, maybe Esme could get that annoying guy to leave for good.' Carlisle thought. "Esme!" He shouted. She came down.

"What is it, Carlisle?" She asked.

"I was wondering if you could make that guy with the banjo go away." Carlisle said.

"Er, what guy with a banjo?" Esme asked.

"That guy!" He said. He turned around to point at him, but he was gone. "Oh, er, never mind. Sorry."

"Oh, that's fine, dear." Esme went back upstairs. Finally, the annoying guy was gone!

_Free credit report dot com. Tell your friends, tell your dad, tell your mom._

'NOOOO!' Carlisle thought. 'Maybe I'll just go to that stupid website.'

So, Carlisle went to free credit report dot com. And, guess what? His credit didn't stink!

"Ha! I told you singing pirate! I told you I didn't have bad credit!"

"Yes, Carlisle. I never said you _did_ have bad credit, I said you should go to free credit report dot com. It's my job. Well, time to go next door!" The annoying guy said, and then he disappeared.

Meanwhile...

"I swear, if he wasn't a vampire, I would have dragged him off to a mental asylum last week." Esme told Edward. They were watching Carlisle tell a singing pirate things about his credit.

"Last week? I would have last month!" Edward said.

**A/N: So, did you like it? Was it stupid? Is it worth doing another one where Carlisle meets.... no, I won't tell you. It'll be a surprise if you want me to continue. However, I will give you a hint! Here it is:**

**Tell me who's watching.**


	2. Geico

**A/N: Soooo... back with another one, I guess. So, this one is with... THE GEICO MONEY WITH EYES!!! I just love the money with eyes!**

Carlisle was enjoying a nice day when he saw the money.

"Please tell me I'm not going to be haunted by another commercial!" Carlisle said aloud. "What is that anyway?" He pointed to the money with eyes.

"That's the money you could be saving with Geico." A random guy in a suit said. He wasn't there a minute ago...

"Are you a robber?" Carlisle asked.

"No, I'm the guy who tells you what the money with eyes is. Sometimes I get to dress up like a hobo or a farmer. I love my job." The guy said.

"But I already have Geico!" Carlisle said, but he really didn't. He had Allstate.

"You can't lie to me, Carlisle. I know all. Like Santa. I know that you have Allstate." The guy said.

"But what if I don't want to switch to Geico?" Carlisle asked.

"Then the money will keep following you, forever and ever."

"Wait, so if I switch to Gieco, then the money will go away?"

"That's how it works."

"But why would I want the money to go away? Wouldn't I switch to get more money?"

"Well, the money you could be saving with Geico will stop following you and it will go in your pocket if you switch." The guy said.

"Oh... well I like my insurance." Carlisle saidl.

"Then the money will haunt you, forever and ever. And annoy you with songs."

"Like the free credit report guy?"

"Yes. Except you will repeatedly hear a remix of 'Somebody's Watching Me' instead of all of those other catchy tunes the free credit report guy sings."

"When you listen to them twenty four seven, they lose their catch."

"Oh, they never lose their catch for me, Carlisle. The one about the Renaissance fair is my ringtone. And I get lots of calls."

Then, Carlisle remembered that when Esme came in last time, the commercials went away.

"Esme!" He called. Esme came into the room.

"What is it this time, dear?"

"Can't you see them?!" Carlisle asked, because the money and the guy were still here.

"No, dear. No one is here but us."

"What are you talking about? They're right there!" He said and pointed to where the guy was standing. "How can you not see?! It's so ugly!" Carlisle exclaimed. All Esme saw where he was pointing is a picture of the wolf pack.

"Carlisle, I thought you like the wolves!"

"I do, what do they have to do with anything right now?" Carlisle asked, confused.

"Well, you just pointed to a picture of them and called them ugly." Esme explained.

"What? No! That's the Geico guy!"

"The gecko?"

"No! The guy who tells you about the money with eyes!"

"I like the gecko better." Esme stated.

"I know. Me, too."

"Well, I don't see anything." Esme said.

"But... but... but... IT'S RIGHT THERE!" Carlisle kept pointing to the Geico guy/picture of the wolves.

"Carlisle, lets just go. Maybe you need to go hunting."

"Um... okay... BUT WHAT IF HE FOLLOWS US!?"

"Carlisle, there is _nothing there._"

"I don't understand why you can't see him!"

"Only you can see me, Carlisle." The guy said.

"Shut up, guy." Carlisle told the guy.

"Carlisle, did you just tell me to shut up? And call me a guy?" Esme asked disapprovingly.

"No! I told the Geico guy to shut up!"

"That's it, Carlisle. Don't talk to me until you get this commercial thing sorted out. I'm tired of trying to tell you that there is nothing there!" Esme said and she stormed off.

"What have you done, you stupid guy?!"

"I did nothing but my job, Carlisle."

"Your job is to ruin people's marriages?!"

"No, but it is trying to get people to switch to Geico at all costs."

"So if I switch, you'll go away?"

"And the money will go in your pocket."

Carlisle sighed. "Fine. You win. I'll switch."

**A/N: Aww, poor Carlisle! Those darn commercials are ruining his life! Review, please! And I also need suggestions for other commercials!  
**


End file.
